The day I wanted to quit before it all started

Today was a tough day for me.  I had just come off an amazing weekend!  We attended two weddings which about 3 weeks ago I wasn’t even sure I would be able to go to.  We saw friends and family at the weddings and we were able to laugh a lot and cry. Cry about the situation I am going through and the road ahead...  On Saturday our dear friends planned an entire day of fun for us to go wine tasting.  We laughed and then laughed some more and we had the most wonderful time. I can’t remember laughing that hard in a long time.  It was good for my soul and to get my mind off what is to come.

Then today came.  I had a rough start.  I really don’t sleep well anymore. I knew I had to do something that I didn’t want to do and that I was fearful to do.  To most anybody else, having an MRI would be no big deal but to me it was a HUGE deal.  I was at a different facility this time and it was cold, and not as warm and friendly as the other facility I go to.  First they had trouble authorizing my MRI with the insurance company on such notice.  Then, as I was called back, I felt myself getting anxious. I was scared I would have a vasovagal attack again, and I was scared I wouldn’t be able to go through with the MRI since this time I was facing up and my claustrophobia would get the best of me.  I just felt sick to my stomach! 

When I got back to the room, they wanted to do a trial run with me — why they did that I don’t know…bad idea.  I laid down, they put me in the tube, and suddenly everything was dark and didn’t feel right.  I asked to be taken out right away.  

The technician asked me why I was even doing this MRI and I lost it.  Having to say out loud “I have breast cancer that spread to my lymph nodes and they think that it could have spread to my adrenal glands as well” was very painful to talk about yesterday morning.  I know it doesn’t help that I was extremely exhausted from an amazing weekend and I woke up really early too.  Uttering those words was so hard!  Sometimes I am in denial like this is all a bad dream and that I will eventually wake up from it. 

I had tears streaming down my face and they asked if I wanted Kenny to come back with me. They went and got him as I was getting an IV and contrast put in my body.  (That’s never a fun process.) Kenny came back and calmly told me that “I can do this” and I went in. It’s moments like these that sometimes I feel like I just can't go on and do one more thing.  I’m thankful for an amazing and supportive husband who loves me deeply and is helping me fight this when I think I can’t go on one more day.  

One trick that helped me get through the majority of the MRI was a simple trick Kenny’s friend told me.  He told me to pick a song and hum it.  When I was being put in I started humming the most basic song I learned in Sunday school when I was about 5 or 6.  It was “Jesus Loves Me.”  I repeated that song at least 50 times during my scan. It felt like I was in that tube forever, but I made it!

After the scan I went home and slept. I don’t know why, but the days I have my scans I am knocked out for several hours afterwards.  

Not only are we dealing with my health issue right now but we have a water leak issue in our house.  Water from our master shower leaked through the floor to our downstairs family room. We have had huge fans and dehumidifiers drying it out (downstairs and upstairs) for 4 days.  They came back today to say that it was still wet and that we need to dry it for 4 more days.  My downstairs family room is ripped up, our master bathroom tile is ripped up and my closet it ripped up.  My house is a complete mess with clothes all over and dust everywhere.  Some days I just want to throw in the towel and quit and today was one of those days!

The day ended well though! A sweet friend of mine who I have known for about 35 years came by and brought us dinner.  She herself had a situation where she broke her ankle about a week or two ago.  She hobbled up on crutches bringing our family dinner yet she was dealing with her own situation. All I could think about was her selfless love for our family all the while she was struggling herself.  

What turned out to be a rough start of the day ended with great conversation with a dear friend.