I Get Knocked Down But I Get Up Again

Thank you for the outpouring of love, prayers, emails, cards, and texts this past week!  Even though I haven’t been able to respond to a lot of them, I do read them. They have literally kept me going when I want to give up and throw in the towel.

This cancer journey has been like a marathon to me (even though I have never run a marathon in my life).  It has its ups and downs and curveballs that I sure didn’t expect. It has definitely been a hard and painful week trying to figure out what to do next when we really don’t know what to do. 

The big decision we have to make is whether I should have more surgery (immediately) to remove more lymph nodes and then have radiation after that, or if I should skip additional surgery and just move to radiation now.  We have been trying to process all the pros and cons of these options and there is still not a clear “better” choice.  

We met with my surgeon again yesterday to talk more in detail about what my life would look like if I have more surgery.  It will be a huge setback since I’d need to go through a whole additional period of recovery.  This time it would most likely be tougher since I would have surgery so close together with my last one.  The big downside is removing so many lymph nodes would introduce the huge risk of me developing lymphedema which could be another battle to fight for the rest of my life. My medical oncologist thinks that risk is too big and he recommends moving straight to radiation.

We were encouraged to meet with other doctors as well to get their opinion.  Tomorrow we meet with my radiation oncologist to get his opinion on if radiation alone can kill the cancer in my lymph nodes. 

The difficult thing for Kenny and I in this is that all the studies that the doctors quote deal with the survival percentages for the different approaches.  (For example, the medical oncologist thinks I’d have the same survival rate if I do the surgery or do not do the surgery).  Of course I’d like to survive, but we also want to pick the option which will give the least chance of cancer reoccurring later on down the road.

As my surgeon put it, my case is in the gray area and they just don’t have definitive results from research yet.  They will have it most likely in 3 1/2 years.  

We asked both my surgeon and oncologist to bring my case to the Hoag tumor board tomorrow morning to get 6-8 more doctors' opinions on my case.  The board has 7 cases tomorrow and hopefully mine will be heard.  My surgeon is hoping to push mine to the top. She said there is a chance they won’t be able to get to all of them, mine included.

Would you join Kenny and I in prayer? 

* My case would be pushed to the top and can be discussed amongst the other surgeons.  

* We get some clarity and wisdom as which is the best route for me.

I still have a few doctor appointments on Thursday and possibly on Friday.  If my case is pushed to the top we would most likely hear the results of the discussion they had next Tuesday from my surgeon.  

On a positive note, I got my drains out last Thursday which was a huge blessing!  Removing them was very painful but I’m thankful to have a little more freedom.  Each day I am feeling better and better.  I am able to move my right arm and hold drinks that are light weight. My left side where my lymph nodes were taken out is still very sore.  I’m struggling to move it and I look like a T-Rex. I still feel the brick-like pain on my chest.  It feels like an iron rod is in between my chest every time I am going from a sitting position to a standing position. I am still sleeping in an upright position with pillows under both my arms.  Baby steps and progress! We look for the little victories in each moment/each day.  I am a fighter and I won't give up! I have way too much to live for! 

I’ve had a few friends send me the following song by Casting Crowns.  It truly was a gift from the Lord.  I literally have felt every word of this song.  God is teaching me to lay everything down, trust Him completely and just be held. I can’t wait for the day where there is beauty in my ashes.  I don’t quite see it yet but I know it’s coming at some point.  I listened to this song over and over and over again and would just cry until I couldn’t cry anymore.  It has been very healing and therapeutic for me.  

“Just Be Held”

Hold it all together

Everybody needs you strong

But life hits you out of nowhere

And barely leaves you holding on

 

And when you're tired of fighting

Chained by your control

There's freedom in surrender

Lay it down and let it go

 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

 

If your eyes are on the storm

You'll wonder if I love you still

But if your eyes are on the cross

You'll know I always have and I always will

 

And not a tear is wasted

In time, you'll understand

I'm painting beauty with the ashes

Your life is in My hands

 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

Just be held, just be held

 

Lift your hands, lift your eyes

In the storm is where you'll find Me

And where you are, I'll hold your heart

I'll hold your heart

Come to Me, find your rest

In the arms of the God who won't let go

 

So when you're on your knees and answers seem so far away

You're not alone, stop holding on and just be held

Your world's not falling apart, it's falling into place

I'm on the throne, stop holding on and just be held

(Stop holding on and just be held)

Just be held, just be held

Just be held, just be held