I'm Still Me...

Difficult times can define you, diminish you, or develop you. YOU DECIDE. - Jim Kwik

It’s been a while since I have updated everyone.  I’ve had many side effects since my first chemo treatment which haven’t been fun at all.  I know no one ever said this road would be easy, and it sure isn’t.  

For the first two weeks after the treatment, each day presented itself with a new side effect which I had to learn to cope with.  Aside from the ones I mentioned in my last post, one of the ones that I have been struggling with is numbness/tingling in my fingers.  It makes it hard to feel things and I drop a lot of things too.  It’s also hard to hold things in my hands for a long time.

The past 5 days, though, things have being pretty consistent with no new symptoms popping up! I have started to feel like myself again and have more energy.

This past week was an especially hard week as I started losing my hair bit by bit.  First it was sporadic and I’d notice strands of hair here and there.  Then, quickly it turned into falling out in clumps which was devastating.  I wore a hat for a good portion of the week.

My head was in a lot of pain and seeing my hair all over the place was becoming way too sad for me.  I had heard over and over again to cut your hair when you are ready, but are you ever ready to shave your head?

Finally I decided it was time to take the control back and cut my hair off.

On Thursday a stylist came over to the house and cut my hair really short.  I wasn’t ready yet to be completely bald, and the nurse had suggested maybe not shaving it all the way, so I had her use a 1” attachment on the clippers and it was pretty traumatic seeing all my hair falling to the ground.

That wasn’t enough though.  The next day, the rest of my hair kept falling out all over the place.  Kenny joked that it was good that I didn’t play hide-and-seek because it’d be easy to find me by following the trail. I had him completely shave it bald that evening.

I never knew how hard of a process this would be.  I know my hair doesn’t define me but it’s something I had to grieve in this painful process of dealing with cancer. 

One thing I have come to realize is that having a bald head makes me really cold.  I had a sweet lady in my Bible Study group knit me a beautiful head cap and I’ve been wearing that at night to bed.  On the bright side, it only takes me a few minutes to shower and get ready since I have no hair to wash, dry and curl!

I want to thank each and everyone of you for being with me during this journey.  We are only at the beginning stages of this road but I appreciate you all.  Don’t be afraid to reach out and text.  To be honest, I’m horrible at phone calls. I listen to messages but I don’t always get back or it takes me a long time to get back to you. I get really exhausted and don’t have a lot of energy but I respond ok to texts. I love hearing from you and it keeps me going on my good and rough days!  

It stinks that just as I’m starting to feel really good, it is time to start the process all over again.  I start my 2nd round of chemo this Tuesday and will be back at the infusion center again on Wednesday for the IV hydration.  I have heard that the 2nd round is harder than the first but I also don’t fit the “norm” of everyone else either.  I’m taking it one day at a time.